Definitely Limericks
I wrote these for the Omnificent English Dictionary in English Form, a magnificent, ambitious, and slightly insane attempt to write a limerick for every word in the English language, one letter group at a time. You can see my additions and revisions there, but I like to keep them here as well; the menu below leads to permanent pages for each letter group. You can also see some co-written pieces and an area especially aimed at OEDILFers.
“As a rigger, my fingertips tingle
When threading a line through a cringle.
Those looped strands of rope
Give a sailor fresh hope.”
“It’s amazing to think you’re still single.”
In Cambridge, the bridge the most fair
Is the one at the college of Clare.
The surfeit of balls
On its elegant walls
Lends each crossing a May-Week-ish air.
Take this dish, and take aim at Melissa...
Try more to the left, or you’ll miss ’er...
Now, up a bit... No,
No, no, further... Now, throw!
There, a custard pie, right in the kisser.
“The other Mollusca are duller
Than cuttles,” was how I would lull ’er
To sleep as I’d natter
Of cephalopod chatter,
“’Cos cuttlefish prattle in colour.”
Cuttlefish are some of the most intelligent of all invertebrates. They communicate by flashing different colours across their skin, yet are colourblind themselves—they instead detect light polarization, which enhances their perception of contrast.
“Chest X-ray”, the card on his bed
Had directed (it actually read
“CXR”, but whatever),
But Chester was never
Examined—by dawn, he was dead.
My curriculum vitae (CV)
Is a bullet-point bio of me:
My degrees, date of birth,
And lamentable dearth
Of old money to keep me job-free.
In cyberspace, everyone delves
Into e-books on virtual shelves,
While discussing their day
With i-friends far away
Who know only their avatar selves.
In Czechoslovakia, beer
Was a useful distraction from fear.
A Budvar or two
Turned a red sky to blue,
And a Pilsner meant springtime was here.
Watch the charming Hungarian prance
To the csardas, his national dance!
From a gentle beginning,
He leaves his girl spinning—
A dashing, if whirlwind, romance.
The csardas (CHAH-dash) starts slowly and ends in a rapid and wild dance, with the women wearing whirling wide skirts.
If the ctenophore’s not a true jelly,
Then why the gelatinous belly?
It’s plankton, it seems,
And it combs the extremes
Of the oceans, as seen on the telly.
Ctenophores, or comb jellies, lack the stinging cells of true jellyfish but have connective tissues and a nervous system. They vary in size from a few millimetres to a metre or more long, range from shallow waters to the deep sea, and form much of the world’s plankton biomass.
I’m finding it tricky to think
When this cursor does nothing but blink
At the end of each line...
My beginning was fine,
But the ending, I’m certain, will stink.
When a sheila is shapely and curvy,
It really seems cheeky and nervy
To ask for a dance,
But reserve means your chance
Is remote to do anything pervy.
Telling pooches to cwtch means “lie down”
When you’re each in some cushy Welsh town.
If you want to look butch,
Then you’d better not cwtch
The dogs’ owner—he’ll shoot you a frown.
...because the verb also means to cuddle and to conceal; the noun means either a cuddle or a cubby-hole.
