Definitely Limericks: Ee-El

Imagine the shock you would feel
To find you’re the wrong kind of eel:
Surrounded by jelly
In some geezer’s belly,
And not even charged for the meal.

The clever are faced with a choice:
To gather their thoughts or their voice.
To be intellectual
Is rarely effectual;
If you’ve been effective, rejoice.

U.S. tourists are often engrossed
By the words others use for French toast.
Many Britons, instead,
Call the stuff eggy bread
Oui, monsieur, pain perdu—maybe most.

The Romans knew it as pan dulcis, and the French themselves called it pain a la Romaine before calling it pain perdu, or “lost bread”. Americans named it after the immigrants who popularised it there, while the English stuck with more prosaic descriptors... when they weren’t calling it gypsy toast or poor knights of Windsor.

Me and my self-obsessed ego:
Wherever my words go, there we go.
Via limericks, he preens,
As we light up your screens
From Las Vegas to darkest Oswego.

“Pass the pepper, dear.” Grandpa said, “Eh?”
Grandma turned to him: “What did you say?”
“Beg yours?” he replied.
“Speak up!” Grandma cried.
Married fifty-eight years to the day.

In the Eighties, we worshipped John Hughes,
“Choose Life” T-shirts, those velcro-tab shoes,
New Romantics, E.T.,
And the brand-new PC
With a whole 16K you could use.

Eighties politics sure had it all
For conservatives: Reagan walked tall,
Thatcher privatized Britain,
And Russia was gittin’
Its ass kicked—goodbye, Berlin Wall.

The Falklands, Chernobyl, the war
In Afghanistan, Challenger, or
“Greed is good”—take your pick,
It could all make you sick,
So I won’t be remembering more.

The increasingly adamant king
Said, “I wish thee to dance and to sing.
Both thy feet and thy voice,
Master Jester—no choice.
It isn’t an either-or thing.”

When a button is labelled “eject”,
The behaviour you’re led to expect
Is it spits out your tape,
Not a screech and a scrape
As the thing ends up eaten and wrecked.

As you eke out a living, be sure
To retrieve grains of rice from the floor,
As well as half-chewed
Bits of thrown-away food,
As you never know when there’ll be more.

On the steppe, long before we were born,
Roamed a beast with an eminent horn:
The elasmothere—rhino,
Or unicorn? I know,
The theory elicits some scorn.

This giant extinct relative of woolly and modern rhinoceroses could, it seems, have been the basis for the legendary unicorn: a skull found in Kazakhstan in March 2016 dates to 29,000 years ago, well within the period of human habitation. The best known is Elasmotherium sibiricum, which was the size of a mammoth and probably as woolly, and may even be depicted in paleolithic cave paintings in France.

He loves keyboards and moogs a whole heap.
Any synth-less song sends him to sleep.
He adores electronica.
Just sample his moniker:
DJ Digital, Lord of the Bleep.

Ellipses can indicate pauses
For thought, the omission of clauses
Or words, trailing off
At the end, or... (Don’t scoff.
Indecision is one of their causes.)

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