Definitely Limericks by Rory Ewins


I says to my local GP,
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m a tree!”
Says the doc, “I’ll be brief—
Time to turn a new leaf.”
Then he fashions a table from me.

To post your epistle, just go
To the heart of the city, and show
Your sealed, addressed letter
To the clerk—as you’d better
Buy stamps—at the grand GPO.

Metrosexual bible GQ
Is compulsory reading if you
Want a monthly, slick fashion
Magazine with a passion—
A gentleman knows what to do.

You accuse my dear sister of gracelessness?
Your attack’s a disgrace in its baselessness!
Her posture and carriage
Are no bar to marriage:
The problem is really her facelessness.

What’s that? Pride and Prejudice and Zombies has already been done? Not in limerick form, my good sir.

A penniless graduate student
Met a nudist with penis protrudent.
Said his new nudie buddy,
“Here’s a thing you can study.”
Said he, “A small grant would be prudent.”

To know better their gods, Graeco-Roman
Adorers would watch for an omen:
From Olympus on high
Comes a bolt from the sky!
Oh, that Jupiter/Zeus, such a showman.

Teaching simple grammatical rules
Is deficient today in our schools.
Take this principal’s letter:
“We could of done better.”
My five-year-old could have, you fools.

My son’s children? Oh my, they’re all grand:
There’s Charlotte, Amelia, and
Isabella, Sophia,
And Ella, and Mia,
And Harry. A few more than planned.

My granny resides in a flat
At the back of our house, with her cat,
Her collection of spoons,
And her Matt Monro tunes.
Why not stop for some tea and a chat?

My slavering maw is agape
At its sweet, oval, purple-skinned shape.
What a beautiful morsel!
No possible force’ll
Prevent me from peeling a grape.

Some red or green grapes in a bunch
Make a tasty addition to lunch.
If you let them ferment,
They can help you get bent—
Drinking grapes will take off, I’ve a hunch.

From the City comes smoke: a Great Fire.
Now he witnesses flames rising higher.
It’s giving the creeps
To dear Samuel Pepys—
Half of London’s a funeral pyre.

The Great Fire of London, or simply the Great Fire, started in September 1666 in a bakery in Pudding Lane near the Tower, and destroyed most of the mediaeval City of London inside the old Roman walls over the next four days, including St Paul’s Cathedral. The renowned diarist Samuel Pepys, who personally informed King Charles II of the fire, wrote vividly about the desperate attempts to quell the flames, pigeons falling from the skies, glass melting and buckling in the heat, and saving a round of parmesan cheese by burying it in his garden.

“Whatcha call this joint?” “I dunno, mate.
It’s a desert, I s’pose. And... no, wait...
It’s a big desert, and
There’s a shitload of sand.
It’s a Great Sandy Desert.” “Damn straight.”

The Great Sandy Desert spans much of the north of Western Australia and the southwest of Australia’s Northern Territory.

Here’s some dairy to gobble down quick:
Greek yogurt. It’s temptingly thick.
Heat milk and add culture,
Then eat like a vulture—
Its bacteria won’t make you sick.

“I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn’t end there.” — Groucho Marx

The humble legume, the green pea,
Is a feature of many kids’ tea.
You can, if you please,
Call a mess of them pease,
As they did a long time before me.

Pea is a seventeenth-century back-formation from the Old and Middle English pease. The latter term lingers in pease pudding (or pease porridge or pease pottage), a thick soup now commonly made from yellow split peas, as eaten for dinner and tea (if not breakfast, dinner and tea) in the north of England and in nursery rhymes.

The thick yellow soup in this pot
Is considered delicious, though not
When it’s left to get cold
Or it’s served nine days old—
No, the finest pease pudding is hot.

An explosive device, the grenade
Is a weapon that’s proudly displayed
In my armaments store.
It’s so handy in war:
It goes “boom”, as we say in the trade.

I’m in love with my hand grenade! Doubt it
Needs banging on, really, about it:
Its shape makes me grin.
Now I’ve pulled out its pin,
I discover I can’t live without it.

Attaching the head of an eagle
To a leonine form gives a regal
Chimera: this griffin
Makes enemies stiffen
With terror. It’s almost illegal.

It’s certainly imaginary. This creature, known for guarding treasures and priceless possessions, dates back to Ancient Egypt and featured in the mythology of Persia, Greece, and mediaeval Europe. It was seen in Christendom to be a symbol of Jesus, and in heraldry of courage and boldness.

“These old papers reach up to my head!
And there’s boxes all over your bed.
All this junk is obscene—
The whole place needs a clean.”
“I love trash,” Oscar grouchily said.

Sesame Street’s infamous hoarder of useless items would get grumpy if you suggested a clear-out. Oscar the Grouch is no Marie the Kondo.

The grugru nut grows on a palm
In Brazil. There are projects to farm
It for oil, an idea
Which its backers are clear
Would protect the world’s forests from harm.

The nut of the grugru or macauba palm has a hard shell and an endosperm tasting of coconut. It yields two kinds of oil suitable for biodiesel and for human consumption, and can be harvested from existing trees on agricultural farmland with no change in land use. The production potential of macauba oil exceeds global palm oil production, with clear potential benefits for the world’s rainforests.

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