Definitely Limericks by Rory Ewins


To instill fear/uncertainty/doubt
(FUD), spread some rumors about:
They had deadlines and missed ’em;
There are bugs in their system;
And your app is soon coming out.

When describing oneself, it’s absurd
To use racialist labels; the word
Pure-bred’s for a cow,
Which is why also now
“I’m a full-blood” is not often heard.

Our Labrador’s gone out to play
On the streets of our city today.
She’ll be out on the run,
Having four-legged fun,
Till our dad takes her T-bone away.

“It’s the funfair! Let’s head on inside!
Look, a ghost train! Let’s go for a ride!”
Dad was over the moon
For the whole afternoon.
Jenny screamed. I was sick. Timmy cried.

I’m a mushroom—yeah, baby, I’m hot.
I’m a toadstool, girl—deadly, or what?
Every woman adores
My profusion of spores.
I’m a really fun guy, am I not?

I’m the mould on your mouldy old dough.
I’m the yeast in your Marmite, whoa-oh.
Microscopic delight
For my lady tonight—
I’m a really fun guy, doncha know?

I’m the truffle you dig from the ground,
And I’m various enzymes you’ve found
In detergents and drugs.
You’ll be likin’ my hugs—
I’m a really fun guy. See ya round!

There are millions of species of fungus amonggus.

Furrinalia? One of those things
That furries attend? A con brings
Out the fans, I expect.
Oh, it’s (am I correct?)
For Furrina, Rome’s goddess of springs?

Not much is known about Furrina, one of the early Roman gods, but she had her own flamen (priests), the Furrinalis, and her own festival of Furrinalia on 25 July, when Ancient Romans presumably celebrated Perrier and Evian. I imagine dressing up in fursuits at conventions wasn’t part of the deal.

My fursona’s a leopard; my suit,
You’ll have certainly spotted, looks beaut,
With its big furry paws,
Which I’m wearing because
I’m a furry: I find fursuits cute.

Members of furry fandom, known as furries, like to dress up in fursuits, which tend to start with a head alone, then be accessorised with paws, feet, a tail perhaps, and finally a full body suit as the furry develops their character’s persona, or fursona. Considerable creativity and skill goes into constructing fursuits, which are usually handmade by the wearer in whole or in part. Fan conventions (cons) involving comics, science fiction and fantasy are a reliable place to spot furries. A smaller local gathering is known as a furmeet.

In the future—the days yet to come—
We’ll have robots and time machines, chum,
Live off protein-rich drinks,
Sleep for 10.6 winks...
Have to say, it all sounds a bit rum. the British. To Aussies, it might sound a bit crook, or to others, pretty bad.

Robert Heinlein, James Herbert in Dune,
Larry Niven: their fiction is strewn
With events yet to come.
Many haven’t, but some
Future history’s surely due soon.

Future history initially meant a predicted future course of events or the future’s perspective on the present. In the twentieth century, it came to mean a science fictional timeline of future events, as devised by an author for a series of related books or stories. Famous examples include Robert A. Heinlein’s Future History series, Isaac Asimov’s Foundation and Robot novels and short stories, James Herbert’s Dune and its sequels, and Larry Niven’s Tales of Known Space.

Are we futureless? Have we all blown it?
Seems climate-change records have shown it.
Almost three degrees more,
Thanks to us, are in store.
(Well, to you guys; I didn’t condone it.)

Ha! Kidding! We’re all culpable, and we’re all screwed. Current policies around the world are projected to lead to 2.6°C–2.9°C warming above pre-industrial levels by 2100; we’re already looking at 1.1°C–1.8°C over the five years from 2023 to 2027. Let’s do what we can to limit the damage while we still can.

Futurism, avant-garde movement
From Italy: “Artists! If you’ve meant
To spurn old traditions,
Come join us! Our mission’s
To celebrate growth and improvement.”

Futurism was an art movement launched in 1909 with a manifesto by the Italian poet Filippo Tommaso Marinetti (1876–1944), who ten years later also co-authored the Fascist Manifesto. Futurist painters used elements of Neo-Impressionism and Cubism to celebrate the speed and dynamism of the industrial age. Like its British equivalent of Vorticism, the movement was cut short by the First World War. Marinetti later revived it, but failed to convince Mussolini to make it the official state art of Italy.

The dictionary word futuritial
Looks invented, made up, artificial.
So it means “futuristic”?
Seems non-realistic...
Ha! I’m right! See, I’m not superstitial.

The Oxford English Dictionary notes that this word is “apparently only attested in dictionaries or glossaries”, citing an 1846 dictionary that appears to have set the ball rolling for all futuritialisticous ones.

Time to futurize: form the idea
Of futurity. Future time’s near,
And shall bring to fruition
Events! Futurition!
And futureness, futurely, here.

Future-related words litter the annals of archaism and obscurity. Futurize means to form the future tense or express the idea of futurity. Futurity is in some senses a synonym for future (or the future) and in others a synonym for futurition, which in turn means a future event, a future state of existence, or the future existence of something. Futureness is “the quality of being future”, and futurely means “in future” or “hereafter”. (I’ll shut the future up now.)

If you walk round a corner and see
A vehicle that’s labelled “FV”,
Then unless you’re in armour
Or rather a charmer,
The sensible option’s to flee.

The British-made FV (“fighting vehicle”) series of tanks, armoured cars and armoured trucks are used predominantly by the British Army, but have also been sold to various other countries.

Fwd: Check out this staggering list!
FWD: Yes, all these people exist!
FW: Found this on Facebook!
Fw: Lemurs in space, look!
I fear it’s too hard to resist.

On movies, where scripts have FX,
It indicates special effects:
For example, a death-ray;
Or CGI breath, say.
Doug Trumbull’s were better than sex.

Douglas Trumbull’s pioneering special effects work included Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey, Steven Spielberg’s Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and Ridley Scott’s Blade Runner.

CRITIC: Whose work is this on the wall?
PAINTER: Mine. CRITIC: Ha! What a scrawl!
PAINTER: Scrawl? This is art!
CRITIC: There, my review says it all.

A sensitive portrayal of the modern art world, coming soon to BBC Radio 4.

The fylfot, an old kind of cross,
Flew from many a castle and schloss,
But once Hitler got hold of it,
That’s all that got told of it.
His swastika’s gain was our loss.

London Zoo’s full of fabulous fellows.
Not the feathered kind: those who shout hellos.
So intent to impress,
They all add FZS
To their names. Hear their glorious bellows!

They’re Fellows of the Zoological Society of London.

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