Definitely Limericks by Rory Ewins


The natural beauty’s outstanding here!
This AONB is commanding, here,
A lot of attention.
(Did I happen to mention
That Airbnb are expanding here?)

Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty is the designation in England, Wales and Northern Ireland for an area of... um... superlative wild loveliness. Airbnb is an online marketplace for B&Bs and holiday homes.

Aonian things are from Greece,
Like the people who dwell there and fleece
All the tourists who visit
To find things exquisite—
Like Musings, one euro apiece.

Aonia was where the Muses of Greek legend lived.

“Look after your vessels aortic,”
I said to my friend astronautic.
“It’s not a great place
For a heart attack, space.
One giant leap—POW! Rigor mortic.”

Whenever I said “apartheid”,
My South African friends almost died.
“In our segregate state,
It was called apartheid,
Or it was before Nelson,” they cried.

An ape at the top of his tree
Said, “I’m up at the apex, I see.
I’m so ’appy up ’ere;
I’ve a view without peer
Of that beehive, or apiary.”

Three animal aphorists hatch
An idea to compete in a match
To devise the short saying
That’s pithiest, playing
To see who does better from scratch.

The Hare cites philosopher Zeno,
Who reckoned there really can be no
Big win when you run
Against those who’ve begun
Far ahead of you; “Still, what did he know?”

The Tortoise adopts his own pace:
“Slow and steady,” he says, “wins the race,”
Citing Aesop. “Keep going
While others are slowing.”
The Fox says, “Nice try! Second place.”

“The race isn’t, Hare, to the swift;
Nor the battle, the strong, Tortoise: shift
Your approach,” Fox explains.
Hearing this, Hare complains,
“That’s an out-and-out biblical lift.”

“Fox, you reckon you’re clever; you’ve taught
Us that wit is too easily caught
In a short, pithy quote
That some other guy wrote.
You’re a plagiarist aphorist, sport.”

When it comes to aphorisms, you can’t beat the classics. Ecclesiastes 9:11 echoes Aesop’s fable of “The Hare and the Tortoise”, although they make somewhat different points. Zeno’s paradox contradicts both—and our own eyes.

Apocalypse? Why, but of course!
I knew it would come with some force.
The way we’re all dead,
And the sky has turned red,
And the four of you, each on a horse.

I apologise, right? Yeah, I’m sorry.
I regret having caused you such worry.
I’m remorseful. Contrite.
It was dark out at night
When I flattened your cat with my lorry.

Don’t fall into Microsoft’s trap
When they say it’s a true killer app.
It might well excel,
But the outlook ain’t swell:
The word on the street is it’s crap.

For years, Britain’s best-known appeaser
Was Chamberlain, ill-advised geezer
Who pandered to Hitler.
Could leaders act littler?
Who’d trump him? What’s your view, Theresa?

Vandemonia? Not very new.
Same for Raspberry Land; Tassieland, too;
And don’t be a creep
And say Isle of Sleep.
It’s the Apple Isle: Tas, through and through.

Most of these nicknames for Tasmania are out of fashion, apart from Apple Isle, although that’s fading too. Tassie’s newest name is also its oldest: its palawa kani name of lutruwita was assigned in 2012 under the state government’s Aboriginal and Dual Naming Policy.

He’s head over heels for the girl;
Both his heart and his mind are a whirl.
How he’s yearning to grapple
His eye’s candy apple!
As centerfolds go, she’s a pearl.

She’s his diamond, his ruby, his pearl;
Such a huggable, kissable girl.
Of his eye, she’s the apple;
He aches for the chapel.
(His “marry me” crap makes her hurl.)

If everything’s going all right
In Australia, a phrase that you might
Hear directed your way
Is she’s apples—there may
Be no cider or fruit, though, in sight.

In Australia and New Zealand, apples is used to indicate that everything’s all right, usually in such phrases as she’s apples, it’s apples, she’ll be apples, or simply apples, mate. In recent years, though, it’s been overtaken in Australia by the phrase it’s all good.

When making a grant application,
You’re doomed to repeated frustration.
They check and inspect you,
And then they reject you;
“Dissection” describes the sensation.

Here’s an applicant you will admire;
I’d encourage you strongly to try ’er.
She’s intelligent, skilled,
And her resumé killed.
Yes, I’d say she’s the finest applier.

Every staff member dreads an appraisal;
Dissecting their sorrier ways’ll
Leave anyone glum,
So tread carefully, chum:
If your judgements don’t please ’em, a raise’ll.

Appraise this brief verse as you will,
There are others yet briefer; but still,
When it comes to haiku,
I’m unsure what to do,
So I’ll limerick ’til I’ve had my fill.

Comic verse writing
Occasionally brings forth
Ironic flowers.

A lass who enjoyed domination
Was cracking her whip with elation;
As he crawled on the floor,
Her fiancé said, “More!”
Giving lashes of firm approbation.

Inspired by Seth Brown.

Our approximate time of arrival
At Howard the Duck: The Revival?
A bit after eight.
Every minute we’re late
Increases our chance of survival.

Ahhh, how we loved it at school
When we’d find us some gullible tool,
Then take him aside,
Say “yer shoes are untied!”
And the moment he looked: “April fool!”

She said, “Apropos of nothing, I heard
Of this site writing verse on each word
In the language.” “Sounds clever.
Why bring that up, however?”
“You’d approve, I thought—you’re a big nerd.”

The apteryx (commonly “kiwi”)
Outdoes the bird Scots call a “peewee”
In terms of its size,
But not when it tries
To fly; ’cause it cannae, in theowy.

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