Definitely Limericks by Rory Ewins

Ha-Hd

I like minty aromas, and should mint
Be your favourite too, then a good mint
To plant is hirsute
And herbaceous to boot—
Yes, I’m talking about hairy wood mint.

Blephilia hirsuta is covered with long white hairs and ends in several whorls of light blue, pale purple or white flowers (in the latter case, with purple spots). Herbaceous plants have no persistent woody stems above ground, so hairy wood mint doesn’t mean it’s made of hairy wood; it means it’s found in the woods (hairy or otherwise) of southern Quebec, Ontario, and the eastern United States.

I went to the hairdresser’s, but
His salon looked as if it was shut.
Then he beckoned me in
With a bottle of gin;
Now my hair—just like him—is half-cut.

This British and Australian slang term for “half-drunk” has, strangely, no “completely drunk” equivalent.

Gorgonzolas and bries go right through me.
You say to try parmesan? Do me!
Melted cheddar’s no thrill—
Gimme cheese you can grill.
I’m a fan of halloumi. So sue me.

This squeaky cheese from Cyprus stands up to grilling without melting, making a thick slice of halloumi an ideal vegetarian burger substitute.

The service was quite happy-clappy,
Which isn’t to say it was crappy:
The sermons were fine,
And the singers divine,
And their Christian rock anthems were snappy.

This usually derogatory British slang term is used of evangelical groups whose worship tends to the enthusiastic. It can also be used as a noun to mean a member of such a group.

Hari-kari, the English would call
Harakiri or seppuku—all
Meaning self-disembowelment.
This verdict most foul meant
A Japanese soldier would fall.

“Foul” being in the eye of the beholder; for samurai and their military successors in World War II, harakiri (the full ceremonial form of which was called seppuku) was an honourable death. For the Allied soldiers and prisoners of war observing it, not so much, which must be why they didn’t bother getting the name right. [Whistles “Colonel Bogey”...]

Her hair colour’s chestnut, a strong
Reddish-brown, but the kid’s got it wrong:
He’s made it look, crazily,
A light brown, or hazelly,
Colour. Ain’t painted for long...

Well, what do you expect from a two-year-old’s portrait of his Mum?

In a primary classroom, you’ll see
Children using, to write, an HB.
This medium hard
Pencil writes well on card
And on paper. All drawn from a tree.

And for the pencil leads, from a mixture of graphite and clay. The equivalent of a US #2 pencil, the HB (for “hard black”) is ubiquitous in British and Australian primary schools. I always preferred a softer 2B.

Some trumpet the drug HCQ
To stop COVID-19, but if you
Want to take my advice...
Well, I’d say to think twice.
It isn’t what doctors would do.

Hydroxychloroquine, an analogue of chloroquine, is primarily used to prevent and treat malaria. It was studied along with chloroquine for its potential to treat COVID-19, but clinical trials found it ineffective and a possible cause of dangerous side effects.

“My iMac is cactus!” I cried.
“The h-hard drive is totally fried.
All I see’s a s-stinking
Disk icon that’s blinking.
The... HDD... huh-has... d-died.”

Here’s a reading of this limerick.

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