Definitely Limericks: Fe-Fh

In the darkness, I’m frightened to hear
That a night-time intruder is near.
I’m awake in my bed,
Simply quaking with dread.
I would rather be dead, have no fear.

I wanted to email my teacher,
But had no computer to reach ’er.
Though it may not be smart
Or state-of-the-art,
By dumb luck my old phone has this feature.

In the late 1970s, feature phone meant a phone enhanced with computer technology. By 1999 it meant a cutting-edge mobile with features such as Internet access and music playback. Now such phones are the cheaper, old-fashioned models used by those who can’t afford or don’t want a smartphone—hence, dumbphones.

Traders shorting the dollar—the nerve!
Call the guys at the Federal Reserve.
They’ll buy more—or they’ll sell—
To be frank, I can’t tell.
I give banking and finance a swerve.

I give you permission. Feel free.
Go ahead. You can do it. You see,
I allow it. That’s right:
You are granted this sight
Of a glimpse of all-powerful Me.

“Why, feminine hygiene’s a breeze,”
Claims my sister, “And handled with ease.
When I’m getting my cramp on,
I whip out a tampon
And guide it up here, past my knees.”

I think she underestimates the full range of women’s experience in this department.

In a limerick, femininization
Causes anapest-busting frustration.
It’d be so much neater
To express “making sweeter
Or softer” as feminization.

The good news is that you can use the shorter term, as it’s now preferred. The bad news is that either has pretty sexist overtones.

This man-about-town’s finest features
Were his femorals, viz., knee-length breeches
Much-worn in past days.
Yes, his Renaissance ways
Made him one of L.A.’s oddest creatures.

Fast-forwarding tapes used to take
Far too long, and could cause them to break.
Press FF on your deck
And you’d mutter, “Oh, heck,”
Or as kids say today, “FFS.”

In citations, most page ranges go
From a start point to end point (as so:
1–3). “1ff.”
Means there’s still a lot lef’,
Which the pages that follow will show.

FGN bonds, FGN currencies: what’s
With these foreigners calling the shots?
All those FGN guys yelling
’Bout buying and selling
Securities—don’t they have lots?

For Him Magazine (FHM),
UK women know, isn’t for them.
The British man’s lifestyle
Contrasts with his wife’s style:
There’s rather more ogling. (Ahem.)

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