Definitely Limericks by Rory Ewins


If yours is the singular dream
To question the things that don’t seem
So well understood,
Just pull on your hood
And head for the fair Academe.

Acanthopterygii fishes
Are good in all kinds of fish dishes.
Their fins are quite spiny,
They’re ever so briny,
And many are, frankly, delicious.

A superorder of fishes with sharp, bony rays in their fins, which includes bass, perch, mackerel, mullet, dory, flounder, sole, turbot, plaice, halibut, and seahorse.

She lay on the sheets and said sensually,
“Come talk to me sexy in French, Uli.”
Such a talented man—
He’s a tongue with a tan:
Accomplished in bed and accentually.

Said the note in the booth: “Sick of dating?
Colossal-sized lust that needs sating?
Then find the red light
And our girls of the night
They’re accommodating, willing, and waiting.”

It’s hardly a musical crime
If the tunes that you play aren’t sublime,
But I’m really pissed when
Your accompanist then
Has a terrible time keeping time.

When an elephant heedlessly stomped
On a turtle, her elderly prompt,
“Mmff, your fooss on m’ shell,”
Went unheard, as well—“Hell,
Don’t do nuffin’ on Turtle’s accompt.”

It may seem amusing and neat
To tackle this challenging feat
In extra-fast times,
But with this many rhymes,
Whatever we do, they’ll accrete.

A word, a reminder, can race
Our minds back to a time and a place:
Where I lived in the Eighties,
I’d say of a mate, “He’s
A bloody good fella. He’s ace.”

An “ace in the hole” is an ace
Dealt in poker, while hiding its face.
You wait for a showdown,
And then give the lowdown:
“Gimme every damn cent in this place.”

The flammable gas called acetylene
Has hydro- and carbon, not metal, in.
The flame’s a delight,
As it burns very bright,
But the odour is rather unsettlin’.

These meteorites, named for what’s not
In them—chondrules—resemble (a lot?)
Our earthly basalt.
It isn’t their fault:
Where achondrites were formed, it was hot.

These stony meteorites come from larger bodies that have been remodelled by heat, like the Moon, Mars, and asteroids. Their texture is a result of melting and crystallization, like terrestrial igneous rocks (basalt—which I personally stress on the first syllable, but haven’t here—and plutonic rocks). As a result, they don’t contain round chondrules. Around eight percent of meteorites are achondrites.

A purchaser once was inspired
To purchase until he’d acquired
All he could as a buyer.
He was quite the acquirer,
Acquiring until he expired.

Our guide, who’s a local old hand,
Was explaining the lay of the land:
“Over there, out the back o’ ma
Pueblo, is Acoma.
Here, it’s all cactus and sand.”

Acoma (AK-e-ma), founded c.1100-1250 in New Mexico, is considered to be the oldest continuously inhabited community in the US. Inspired by Paul Cowan.

There once was a man from Dundee
Who hammered away at his knee:
He gave it some whacks
With his almighty axe,
All done acrimoniously.

Across-the-board changes are those
That overcome all of their foes,
And remove every shred,
From A through to Z,
Of everything everyone knows.

It’s a territory carved from the rump
Of our “premier” state, ’cos some chump
Thought that Melbourne and Sydney
Would barney; but didn’e
Know Canberra would end up a dump?

The national capital of Canberra (Can-bruh) in the ACT is strikingly-designed, leafy, livable, loved by its inhabitants, and... all right, a bit dull. “The Premier State” (premmy-uh) is one of New South Wales’s cheeky self-descriptions.

To the left, Wallace, please, just a fraction;
Gromit, make like you dread his reaction.
That’s great! Hold that pose...
Wait, squash up your nose...
Ah, perfect! Now, lights, camera—action!

Action Item 19: Set a date
For the council’s next meeting. Oh, great:
We can’t find one until
The mayor’s back from Brazil...
Item 20: Just chill while we wait.

When Action Man’s looking for bigger
Excitement, he works as a rigger;
Or soldier, or spy.
He’s a flexible guy:
Goes after the action, I figure.

He felt like a sexual traitor,
But was lacking the right activator—
’Til his wife filled the bill
With a little blue pill.
Now some viable grabbings await ’er.

Some housekeepers, out to impress,
Will actively clean up a mess:
They’ll grab mop and bucket
And start to de-muck it.
There’s nothing I’d rather do less.

Steve’s activeness thrills all his mates,
And his eagerness never abates:
“Crikey!” he’ll shout,
“Now the only way out
Is the croc-based demise that awaits!”

The insurers said, “Thanks for your claim;
You’re underinsured, all the same.
So you won’t get the actual
Cash value; in fact, you’ll
Get fifty percent—what a shame.”

The gangsta confused the whole nation
When he rapped a mathematic equation.
It ain’t the tradition
To rhyme in addition—
No homies respec’ calculation.

It takes complex computational algorithms to impress these guys.

“He’s an addle-pate, madam! A loon!
He’s a bungler! A foolish buffoon!
Twixt his ears is but space,
And of brain, not a trace!”
“Did I mention we marry this June?”

If Adelaide isn’t familiar
Don’t get in a tizzy, now will ya.
It’s only your failure
To know South Australia;
Though learning its city won’t kill ya.

Herr Chancellor Konrad was torn
From the world before punk rock was born.
Bad luck, Adenauer:
You chose the wrong hour.
You missed a rad chance to hear Korn!

Konrad Adenauer, West German Chancellor 1949-63, died 1967; not known for his nu metal chops. (Here’s a reading of this limerick.)

“You’ve got to fight back,” Mother fussed;
“Yes, Mum,” I replied, “guess I must.”
But somehow I knew
That the School of Kung Fu
Was a place where I’d never adjust.

If your secretary isn’t resistant
To “working” while partners are distant,
It’s certainly vital
To grant her a title
That’s finer: viz, Admin Assistant.

What doofus decided to fix
A verb that was adequate: “mix”?
What brought them to blend
A before with that end
To create the admixture “admix”?

When something’s described as adnascent,
It’s growing upon or adjacent
To something nearby
That has turned a blind eye.
I myself wouldn’t be that complacent.

An Aussie bloke knows how to foight
’Is opponents with all of ’is moight.
’E’s dexterous an ’ skilled,
An ’ never gets killed;
You could say that ’e is adroit.

I say adult and you say adult.
We’re both grown-ups: no need to consult
The authorities. Better
Stress words to the letter,
Lest addled assumptions result.

It’s the life of a pirate for me—
A looting and pillaging spree!
Yes, I’ll buckle my swash
(An adventure, by gosh!)
Once I’ve finished this nice cup of tea.

Days advesperate—turn into night—
As fair Hesperus comes into sight,
And in Rome, during prayers,
Girls ascend Spanish stairs
And the boys on their Vespas take flight.

Hesperus is the evening star.

Dutch advocaat’s quite the liqueur,
The contents of which I am sure:
There’s sugar and eggs,
While some brandy adds legs
To lay you flat out on the floor.

This uses the Scottish pronunciations of “shoo-r” and “floo-r”.

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