Definitely Limericks by Rory Ewins


The Aeneolithic’s prolific
Inventors were always specific
To make things by dint
Of copper and flint;
Using mud wasn’t half as terrific.

The period when the Neolithic gave way to the Bronze Age.

If under some cabinet glass
Is a beetle with bottom of brass,
Don’t dither about it—
Come right out and shout it:
“It’s got an aeneous arse!”

Aeneous (ay-EE-neous) means brassy or brass-coloured.

Madagascar’s extinct Aepyornis
The biggest bird ever was born is.
With ten-gallon eggs
And enormous great legs,
This is one that I’m ’appier gone is.

Actually, I’d quite like to see one—just wouldn’t want to live with one.

The fish in a tank think it’s great
When people add air to their state.
They exhibit elation
At water aeration,
So don’t you just stand there—aerate!

Aerobatic displays make me loopy—
I’m a crazy ol’ loop-the-loop groupie.
Those magnificent scenes
With the flying machines...
Like von Richthofen fighting off Snoopy.

Whether “forecasting” sounds a bit chancy,
Or “meteorology” fancy,
You’ll always do better
To mimic belles-lettres,
And say you pursue aeromancy.

Some people would think it insane
To fly in a jet aeroplane.
It’s better, they’ve found,
To remain on the ground,
And travel by bus, car or train.

My Dad doesn’t like what’s on top a’
Our outhouse: a roof of new copper.
He said, “But I do go
For roofs of aerugo;
If Mum tries to clean it, you stop ’er.”

Aye-ROO-go is verdigris, the green rust on copper and brass.

An eagle will commonly rest
In an aery, or lofty cliff nest
When made of material
That’s aery (ethereal),
A tenuous foothold at best.

Most viewers of TV athleticism
Like practising low-key propheticism:
Predicting who’ll win
Or who’ll wallop their shin;
But I’m into body aestheticism.

I’m not really a big sporty perv, honest.

An affluent man of great wealth
Once diverted the sewers by stealth,
On the self-centred grounds
(Not as rich as it sounds)
That effluent’s bad for the health.

“Afforest” is when you ensure
Your land is all leafy and pure,
And all that’s around
Becomes hunting ground.
(It’s also a song by The Cure.)

If ever your temper should snap,
You should make no attempt to affrap
(Which is to say, strike)
Anyone you dislike,
Or they might affrap back with a strap.

When yer strangle a geezer or spiv
Wiv yer mittens until ’e don’t live,
As ’e falls to the ground,
It’s a ch-choking sound
Or affricative wot ’e will give.

Malign afibrinogenemia:
Disease of the blood, like leukemia.
The fibrinogen’s gone
From your plasma; hereon,
You’re screwed. (Cf. hypoglycemia.)

He’s an AFOL: of Lego, a fan,
And no child, but a fully-grown man.
He buys thousand-piece sets
Without any regrets,
And builds models whenever he can.

The biggest Lego sets contain over ten thousand pieces, and large sets cost hundreds of dollars, so are clearly targeted at adult fans of Lego with more disposable income than a typical child (or their gift-giving relatives).

The colour of leaves is called blue.
The sound that a dog makes is moo.
What’s that you say, son?
Yeah, your Dad’s having fun;
The aforegoing facts are untrue.

We were once seen as sacred—yes, really—
But were then long-forgotten—well, nearly.
We defied all the odds
And were worshipped like gods!
No business like ibisness, clearly.

The African sacred ibis, the original bird known as the ibis, was venerated by the Ancient Egyptians, who gave their god Thoth the head of one and mummified thousands each year as votive offerings. Although it could still be found in Egypt as late as the 19th century, it became rare north of the Sahara; for centuries it was unknown to western Europeans, who supposed that mentions of it in ancient writings referred to some type of curlew. By the 20th century it had spread into southern Africa, where it is now a common sight. The species was once thought to include two that are now considered separate by most ornithologists, the Australian white ibis and the black-headed ibis found across Asia.

Afrofuturist visions abound
In new movies. Directors have found
Swapping tropes of slum hovels
For sci-fi from novels
And comics helps viewers come round.

Afrofuturism, combining science fiction themes with black history and culture, was brought to life on film in Marvel’s Black Panther (2018) and on television in the BBC adaptation of Malorie Blackman’s 2001 novel Noughts and Crosses.

Go on, doncha be so suspicious
About whether that mushroom’s nutritious.
Look, it’s totally cool—
Ain’t a toadstool, ya fool...
And the aftereffects are delicious.

Who’s the feather beneath a black duck or
Some chick, whether tweeter or clucker?
Aftershaft! You’re damn right.
Can ya dig it? All night.
Aftershaft is a baaad motherplucker.

An aftershaft is a small feather arising from the shafts of certain others in many birds.

A seductress enticed a dictator,
“There’s more for dessert, honey... later.
She was hardly to know
When he struck her a blow
And afterwards sat down and ate her.

Vladimir Putin just knew
The Ukrainian Army was through,
So was totally shocked
To be thoroughly mocked
As they stood fast and cried, “’ey, f— you!”

Founded on the country’s independence in 1991, the Armed Forces of Ukraine (AFU, or in Ukrainian ZSU or ЗСУ) consists of the Army, Navy, Air Force, Air Assault Forces and Special Operations Forces. In 2022 they have offered stout resistance to Russian President Vladimir Putin’s invasion of Ukraine.

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