Definitely Limericks by Rory Ewins


If a comrade with AK-47
Should point it your way, you should leaven
Your words with some praise
For his socialist ways,
Or you’ll end up in bourgeoisie heaven.

I propose that we all say finito
To premature “words”. Akihito?
The name of Japan’s
Current Emperor? Man!
Time for etymological veto.

There once was a wanton young bimbo
Who danced a peculiar limbo:
She flailed around
As she sank to the ground,
And rose with her arms set akimbo.

Mild-mannered reporter Clark Kent
Showed a friend how a hero’s pose went:
“So here’s the trick, Jimbo:
The stance is akimbo,
With hands on hips, so, and arms bent.”

Akola was where I had gotten
This Indian cloth of fine cotton.
Looks great on the bed,
Or as curtains instead;
But in trouser form, man it looks rotten.

Paul Simon once said to his pal,
“Wrap me up in aluminum, Hal.
Yes, wrap me in foil...
(Be careful! I’ll fpoil!)
((Fvewy good. Now you can call me Al.))”

Number 13 on the Periodic Table, number 23 in the hit parade.

A Parisian mineral master
Discovered about alabaster
That translucent lime
When ground is sublime
For mixing a castable plaster.

I’ll give you a bloody bad arm-lock
Fer windin’ up my new alarm clock!
Its ringin’ is ace
Yes it is! Shut yer face!
Look, wake up, or you’ll come ta harm, cock.

I thought that I looked rather brainy in
The quiz, when defining “Albanian”:
The language and race
Of a fairly small place
That you’ll find on the Mediterranean.

Roberto the white-skinned albino
Frequents cafe-bars to drink vino.
“One more bottle of red!”
“Eurgghhhh... my head...”
“Waiter! A strong cappuccino!”

That philatelist, what a disgrace—
Penny Blacks stored inside an old case!
That’s what albums are for:
Keeping covers and more
All together in just the right place.

Inland city of Albury-Wodonga:
Could any name ever look wrong-guh?
One’s south and one’s north
Of the Murray: go forth,
Said Gough Whitlam, and make it grow stronger.

The twin cities of Albury, New South Wales, and Wodonga, Victoria, lie on either side of the Murray River (Albury to its north and Wodonga to its south), which lies along the state border; the Hume Highway passing through makes it a popular stopping point for people travelling between Sydney and Melbourne. In the 1970s it was the focus of a regional development plan by the Whitlam Labor government, but the plan was abandoned by the next government, and no subsequent government has revived it.

For alcohol, look for a sign
For “Spirits and Beer” or for “Wine”.
Then drink it down quick
Before you get sick;
Beforehand, it tastes mighty fine.

Let’s purchase a carton or three
Of this beer, ’cos it’s alcohol-free:
We can drink it all night
And stay sober all right—
Though we might need more often to pee.

It probably isn’t that wise
To overly alcoholize
Your afternoon drink:
Whenever you blink,
Your boss will see alcohol eyes.

One adverb that Chaucer would write,
Namely “alday”, was always alright.
Its meaning, you see,
Was “continually”,
As in all of the day and alnight.

The alderfly, insect neuropterous,
Has wings; its relations psocopterous
Either may or may not,
Although no bug has got
Any wings that rotate helicopterous.

The alderman said to the meeting,
“There are five other boroughs we’re beating!
We’re the greatest; the best!”
Blah de blah—all the rest.
All the council are sick of his bleating.

Fair Alderney, island of Channel!
Your name graces many an annal.
Though I see also now
It refers to a cow...
Tell me, who was on that naming panel?

“Our alpha,” the rabbi did say,
“Is aleph; it’s equal to a.
Any Jew who can write
And read Hebrew can quite
Likely handle a hundred each day.”

Thoreau’s Walden, a pond most serene,
Had developed an unpleasant sheen.
Henry’s neighbours agreed
It was ’cos of the weed;
Surface algae had turned it all green.

An equation is 2nd to 0.
  x2 + 2y = 1
      = i – b
My goodness, ain’t algebra fun!

Said a jackal, in obvious shock, “Oh,
My days! Why are you taking stock o’
This Algerian marsh?”
Said the owl, “A bit harsh.
I once lived here.” “And now?” “In Morocco.”

Marsh owls, Asio capensis, are found mainly in southeastern Africa, but an isolated subspecies, A. c. tingitanus, is endemic to Morocco and was also once found in Algeria—hence its old name of Algerian marsh owl. As you might have guessed, it’s now extinct in Algeria, and sadly is critically endangered in Morocco as well.

So you reckon that pain wouldn’t kill ya?
It’s likely you’ve got algophilia.
You think you’d go ouch?
Algophobic, I’d vouch.
Now hand me those nipple clamps, will ya?

Vice-Presidents sometimes will trample
Their dance partners’ feet; for example,
Al Gore wasn’t rhythmic.
He was too algorithmic—
He danced like a random code sample.

Algorithmics: the study of code
That ingenious programmers showed
Could progress step-by-step
Through a problem, to schlep
Out the answer from node after node.

Algorithmics is the study, analysis, and development of algorithms, procedures for solving mathematical problems in a finite number of steps. Algorithms frequently involve repetition of an operation, usually (but not necessarily) by computer programs. In computer science, a node is a basic unit of a data structure, such as a linked list or a tree; nodes contain data themselves and may link to other nodes.

A boxer knocked out in round three
Thought he’d write to Muhammad Ali
For his secret—who wrote,
“What you do is, you float
Like a butterfly, sting like bee.”

Alicante, Valencia? Sí!
It’s the place en la costa for me.
Let’s all fly there with Pete.
So you’re coming, yeah? Sweet!
Ali can’t, eh? Oh well, just us three.

Shame you couldn’t make it, Al—we all got plastered on cheap beer, and Pete met this Spanish bird who was fit. Wish you were her.

A person of some foreign race
Or a little green being from space:
Whatever their kind,
In each case you’ll find
An alien’s not from your place.

If you’re planning to get a divorce,
Keep in mind what a judge can enforce.
Don’t do anything rash,
Or you’ll lose all your cash:
Alimony could bleed dry a horse.

Aliteracy: yes, you can read,
But the thought of it bores you indeed.
One look at a book
And your noggin’s all shook,
And a newspaper makes your eyes bleed.

Alkalis, also called bases,
Are best kept from eyes and from faces.
If not, don’t think twice:
Seek your doctor’s advice,
After rinsing appropriate places.

The terribly big and the small;
The short and the awfully tall.
The whole of creation
Has this designation:
The word for the lot of it’s “all”.

He’s an all-around wonderful guy:
He can swim, he can drive, he can fly;
Has the world in his head;
He’s amazing in bed...
How I wish that he’d curl up and die.

Thurman thought that her tests were ideal,
But the screener said, “Uma, we feel
That you’re not right for Gattaca:
You should be dramatic-er,
And don’t have the proper allele.”

A neurotic New Yorker named Woody
Swapped Mia for daughter—how could he?
(A youth-obsessed pattern
First seen in Manhattan
As Allen films go, it’s a goodie.)

Avocado has flesh like green butter;
On crackers, it sets me aflutter.
Its alligator skin
Keeps the pear that’s within
From rotting and making you splutter.

All-inclusive? Yep, comes with the lot.
For ninety-nine ninety, you’ve got...
* All forty-eight books!
* These steak knives for cooks!
* And the George Foreman Grill! Man, it’s hot!

“All killer, no filler!” it screams
On the cover of Gentlemen’s Dreams,
By those has-beens The Prongs.
It means all of the songs
Are much better, I think, than it seems.

If you ever find a copy of it, do let me know. I have a feeling I dreamed it all.

The teller was almost convinced
By the genuine air it evinced,
But something looked strange
On this bill of exchange:
“The allonge is in crayon,” he winced.

An a-LONZH is a paper attached to a document (particularly as a bill of exchange) to provide room for further endorsements.

Take a silicate, then add some water;
Leave it millions of years (maybe shorter);
Keep it dripping or just
Let it slowly encrust:
You’ve got allophane. Sorta like mortar.

A translucent hydrous aluminium silicate often occurring as incrustations or stalactites.

A ravenous ol’ allosaurus
If living today would adore us:
He’d gobble and munch
On our bodies for lunch,
Right after to pieces he tore us.

The way those two publicly pash
Makes me wanna go home in a flash.
No one else understands?
Look at him—he’s all hands!
She’s all over the bloke like a rash!

pash (Aust./NZ): kiss passionately

At the concert, I wasn’t so proud
As to push to the front of the crowd;
But I grovelled and pled
’Til the girl ahead said,
“Oh all right, okay, you’re allowed.”

All-powerful, I, and all-seeing:
All-time most unusu-all being!
All creatures I made;
All-importance displayed...
Then took all week off and went skiing.

I begged for release from my plight;
I asked her all day and all night.
I nagged and I pleaded,
Her patience exceeded—
At last she conceded. All right!

November the second’s the day
Certain Christians will gather and pray
For the faithful departed
Whose souls have all started
To wend on their heavenly way.

November the second’s a day
When the faithful all gather and pray
For those who’ve departed
And... hang on, who farted?
Some blasphemous souls here will pay!

Since the moment that records began,
Overstatement’s had many a fan.
Being “good” ain’t enough
When you’re writing your puff:
Use “The All-Time Best Yet!” while you can!

Every item displayed will be sold:
The C-3PO plated with gold,
All the stormtrooper guns,
And the faux-Leia buns!
It’s an Empire of Bargains, all told.

A fickle world leader thought, “Shall I
Attack my dependable ally?
I think that I will.
Go get ’em, boys! Kill!
A most unreliable pal, I.”

“I’m up in the air—I’m aloft!”
Cyril said; but his dad only coughed.
“Very funny, my lad,
But you must think I’m mad;
You’re my first-born, not airborne,” he scoffed.

The alopex lives near the pole
Where he feeds on the marmot and vole;
And wears socks on his feet
In his wintry retreat:
A cosy Alaskan fox-hole.

Alopex lagopus is the Arctic fox, or alopex.

We intended to climb all the Alps,
But were standing there, scratching our scalps.
“There are just so damn many;
Could we finish off any?”
“We can do just one alp, if that halps.”

A comet hit London—kerPOW!
Said the last one alive, “Holy cow.
Hope and glory have passed.
I’m the first and the last...
I’m the alpha and omega now.”

The UK pronunciation is AL-pha and OH-mega.

The alphabet (Roman) is set,
And has been for ages; and yet
It could be much better
With one extra letter—
But twenty-six, that’s all you get.

This limerick needs no explanation
And its rhymes have a stable foundation;
But the same won’t be true
If misguidedly you
Subject it to alphabetization.

A burning consumer did earn
Five guineas: high income, Laverne.
Most notions of price
Quite rarely suffice
To undermine vehement yearn.

A limerick that would survive alphabetization.

“Alright,” he insisted, “let’s start.
Now, those who despise it, take heart:
We’re taking this word,
Alright, as you’ve heard,
And tearing it all right apart.”

In the Great War, the British-led nations
Looked poorly on Deutsch appellations,
Renaming their pets
With staunch epithets:
German Shepherds turned into Alsatians.

What a pitiful, horrible man.
Personality? None! And no plan!
Who’d want him as MP?
Well it sure wasn’t me:
I’m the snivelling jerk’s also-ran.

If you’re stuck for an altar, for starters,
Try a table or box; even smarter’s
This slab made of stone,
Which contains an old bone
Or like relic from one of your martyrs.

Before Vatican II, every Catholic altar used for Mass had to bear an altar stone containing the relics of a martyr, such as small pieces of bone. Nowadays, altar stones are all but discontinued.

He’d hoped to spend Saturday hopping
From left leg to right leg, flip-flopping;
But in some agitation
Said, “This alternation
Is all-too annoying. I’m stopping.”

Although picking the good words can please,
An alternative way to write these
Is to choose one in three;
Or alternatively,
You could head out and take in the breeze.

Such is the dilemma of the limerick writer confronted with the OEDILF Word List.

An alternative comedy rota
For the ’80s non-Thatcherite voter:
“People’s Poet” Rik Mayall,
Ben Elton, and Sayle
(“’Ullo John, you got a new motor?”).

The alterna-rock music they played
On alternative radio made
Us all sit up in shock:
“Hey, what is this alt-rock?
It ain’t mainstream, commercial or staid!”

“Here we are now,” it said, “entertain us.”
I feel stupid when try’na explain: us
Kids knew what the score
Was, and all wanted more.
Those grunge legends Nirvana would train us.

In the early 1990s, when record companies started labelling bands “Alternative”, the usual rejoinder was “Alternative to what?” As a musical genre, alternative rock initially implied music too edgy for the mainstream, but nowadays really only means “rock music made by artists who started having hits in the 1990s and beyond”, and even a lot of pre-’90s rock is retrospectively considered to be alternative.

Climbing Everest, soon I felt beat.
Had to rest—even thought I’d retreat.
“The altitude here
Climbs forever, I fear.
It’s twenty-nine-thousand-odd feet!”

But I knocked the bastard off before teatime and then went for a quick jog up K2.

“I can fix it, no probs, it’s a snap,”
Said the bloke, “The distributor cap
Is just loose, so don’t panic.”
What a charming mechanic—
Altogether a promising chap.

I’ll tell you a story, I shall. Um...
There once was an adjective, pal, um,
Which meant “like that styptic,
Um, sulphate...” Too cryptic?
It’s alumish—um, it’s “like alum”.

Alum (aluminium potassium sulfate) is a crystalline solid used in medicine as a styptic—it contracts organic tissue to help stop bleeding. Alumish things are kinda like it, sorta.

Any jeweller would make enough room in a
Setting for these, I presume; in a
Crystalline form,
I’d say ruby’s the norm,
Or else sapphire: two types of alumina.

Rubies and sapphires are gem forms of corundum, a naturally occurring aluminium oxide or alumina.

My delightfully French condominium
Had shutters of fine aluminium;
Except there were two
That were still left to do,
So I said to the builder, “You fini ’em.”

I said to my sister, “Now really, Kate,
You should know the answer, or nearly, Kate.
It’s as clear as can be:
It’s a silicate, see,
With the prefix alumino-, silly Kate.”

A silicate mineral with aluminium replacing some of the silicon. I like rhyming silly, really, and nearly willy-nilly, Kate.

Latest · Africa · Americas · Artists · Oz Rock · Oz Politics · Pacific · Mature · Misc · A-Ab · Ac-Ad · Ae-Af · Ag-Ah · Ai-Aj · Ak-Al · Am-An · Ao-Ap · Aq-Ar · As-At · Au-Av · Aw-Az · Ba-Bd · Be-Bh · Bi-Bn · Bo-Bq · Br-Bt · Bu-Bz · Ca-Cd · Ce-Cg · Ch · Ci-Ck · Cl-Co · Cp-Cr · Cs-Cz · Da-Dd · De-Dh · Di-Dn · Do · Dp-Dr · Ds-Dz · Ea-Ed · Ee-El · Em-En · Eo-Es · Et-Ez · Fa-Fd · Fe-Fh · Fi-Fo · Fp-Ft · Fu-Fz · Ga-Gd · Ge-Gh · Gi-Gk · Gl-Go · Gp-Gr · Gs-Gz · Ha-Hd · He-Hh · Hi-Hn · Ho-Ht