Definitely Limericks: Cp-Cr

The ad cost us six thousand bucks,
But the cost of each mille is the crux.
So for twelve thousand views,
That’s five hundred we lose
For each thousand who know that it sucks.

CPM = cost per mille

A journalist wanting words checked
Leaves a note for a sub to detect.
His method of quelling
Each dubious spelling?
Write after it cq (correct).

“The cranage to transfer this stuff
From our ship to the dock is enough
To send anyone broke!”
Cried our boss. As he spoke,
We all managed to keep looking tough.

It’s the use of a crane in some way,
Or the tariff the user must pay:
Cranage 1 involves lift;
Cranage 2, feeling miffed.
Heavy loads either way, one could say.

The stoutest of Brexiters shout,
“The EU! What’s it done for us? Nowt!
Shove their deal! Screw debate!
We’ll be fine! We’ll be great,
Britain, whether or not we crash out.”

The possibility of a “no deal” Brexit in which the UK would crash out of the European Union without a withdrawal agreement was roundly denied by prominent Leavers during the 2016 Referendum campaign. As negotiations have failed to produce a deal acceptable to all of the pro-Brexit majority in the House of Commons as well as to the EU, No Deal is being increasingly normalised. A substantial minority of the population and even some government MPs now disbelieve the government’s own analysis of its significant potential impact on Britain’s economy and daily life, and welcome the prospect of crashing out on 31 October 2019.

A crayfish got caught in a crevice
In a creek to the north of Ben Nevis,
And swore, “I’m a crawfish
Who’ll struggle to claw fish.
How awful I’m also called crevis.”

Crafish, cravish and cravis are among many other archaic variant spellings for the freshwater crustacean. Crawfish, the American term, is also heard in Scotland.

When Tasmanian fishermen say
That they’ve landed a crayfish or cray,
It’s a lobster they’ve caught,
Not the freshwater sort—
They’re prohibited catches today.

In south-eastern Australia, crayfish usually refers to rock lobsters, not freshwater crayfish. The various Tasmanian freshwater species (including the world’s largest, Astacopsis gouldi) are now all protected.

I know that you like Patrick Swayze,
But saying that Martin Scorsese
Picked him first as Jesus?
Think mental diseases.
Think loony. Think loco. Think crazy.

“O brother of mine, have you heard?
They’re apparently dropping a word
From the dictionary.” “Really?”
“Yeah, credulous, clearly.
Next, gullible’s getting the bird.”

The lizard that crawls on the steeple
Was formerly known as a “creeple”.
A label the same
Was applied to the lame—
Not creatures, however, but people.

If a reptile refers to “the sheeple”
When he’s speaking of your kind of people,
You can therefore suggest
That you’re less than impressed
By describing the creep as a creeple.

This condiment bottle’s a crewet—
Its purpose is plain to intuit.
Take care with the stopper!
You could come a cropper
Removing... oh, screw it, just do it.

“As a rigger, my fingertips tingle
When threading a line through a cringle.
Those looped strands of rope
Give a sailor fresh hope.”
“It’s amazing to think you’re still single.”

To winkle a strand from a rope
Wouldn’t rankle a crewmember, nope.
But to wangle a crengle? A
Task set by Mengele.
Most would abandon all hope.

With his skin getting shrivelled and wrinkly,
Our son looks decidedly crinkly.
No question, this baby
Loves bathwater. “Maybe
I bathtime all day!” he says pinkly.

Says Pharaoh, as tears start to splatter,
“Don’t cry, o sphinx—what is the matter?”
“My head’s from a ram!
As a sphinx, I’m a sham.
They can smile, while I bleat and I batter.”

He’s a criosphinx.

When an argument seems to be stinking,
And you look a bit closer, by linking
Its theories to facts
To deduce what detracts
From its value, that’s critical thinking.

Subjecting a text to critique
Means pointing out which parts are weak—
Overall or one line—
And which parts are fine.
This punchline could do with a tweak.

My grandmother made, for a laugh,
This needlework neckwear, where half
Of the garment is coated
In tunes, quarter-noted:
She crocheted this crotcheted scarf.

Crocheted is stressed on the first syllable outside America.

Cro-Magnons were cave-dwellers who
Looked like me and potentially you,
With a prominent chin,
Rising forehead, and thin,
Gracile figure—that’s me, through and through.

So you feel a bit crook, do ya, mate?
It’s perhaps ’cos of somethin’ you ate.
Either that, or a cold—
Or you’re just gettin’ old.
Take these pills after dinner, an’ wait.

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