Definitely Limericks by Rory Ewins


The ad cost us six thousand bucks,
But the cost of each mille is the crux.
So for twelve thousand views,
That’s five hundred we lose
For each thousand who know that it sucks.

CPM = cost per mille

A journalist wanting words checked
Leaves a note for a sub to detect.
His method of quelling
Each dubious spelling?
Write after it cq (correct).

“Hurry up!” says our dad, “Crack the whip!
Get a move on—they’re closin’ the tip
Soon.” We load up the ute,
And then off we all scoot,
Shouting, “Open ’er up! Let ’er rip!”

In Australia, the local tip is the town rubbish dump—an ideal place for a family outing in yer ute (utility vehicle or pickup).

“The cranage to transfer this stuff
From our ship to the dock is enough
To send anyone broke!”
Cried our boss. As he spoke,
We all managed to keep looking tough.

It’s the use of a crane in some way,
Or the tariff the user must pay:
Cranage 1 involves lift;
Cranage 2, feeling miffed.
Heavy loads either way, one could say.

This article headline’s a smash—
One that though at first reading’s a crash
Blossoms into a flower
Of its form: that’s the power
Of a risible media splash.

What’s a crash blossom? It stems from a 2009 headline on the online news site Japan Today, “Violinist linked to JAL crash blossoms”, which members of a copy editing forum deemed “an excellent neologism for infelicitously worded headlines”.

The stoutest of Brexiters shout,
“The EU! What’s it done for us? Nowt!
Shove their deal! Screw debate!
We’ll be fine! We’ll be great,
Britain, whether or not we crash out.”

The possibility of a “no deal” Brexit in which the UK would crash out of the European Union without a withdrawal agreement was roundly denied by prominent Leavers during the 2016 Referendum campaign. As negotiations have failed to produce a deal acceptable to all of the pro-Brexit majority in the House of Commons as well as to the EU, No Deal is being increasingly normalised. A substantial minority of the population and even some government MPs now disbelieve the government’s own analysis of its significant potential impact on Britain’s economy and daily life, and welcome the prospect of crashing out on 31 October 2019.

A crayfish got caught in a crevice
In a creek to the north of Ben Nevis,
And swore, “I’m a crawfish
Who’ll struggle to claw fish.
How awful I’m also called crevis.”

Crafish, cravish and cravis are among many other archaic variant spellings for the freshwater crustacean. Crawfish, the American term, is also heard in Scotland.

When Tasmanian fishermen say
That they’ve landed a crayfish or cray,
It’s a lobster they’ve caught,
Not the freshwater sort—
They’re prohibited catches today.

In south-eastern Australia, crayfish usually refers to rock lobsters, not freshwater crayfish. The various Tasmanian freshwater species (including the world’s largest, Astacopsis gouldi) are now all protected.

I know that you like Patrick Swayze,
But saying that Martin Scorsese
Picked him first as Jesus?
Think mental diseases.
Think loony. Think loco. Think crazy.

The director himself rhymes his surname with messy, but most people haven’t noticed.

My Cornish cream tea is a dream,
Till I hear a Devonian scream,
“Bliddy leave it alone!
Please let me make my scone!
You’ll just spread it with jam before cream!”

Cornish visitors to Devon, though, reckon Devonians do it all wrong: in Cornwall, it’s jam first and then cream, while in Devon it’s cream topped with blimmin’ jam. Bliddy wars have started over less.

Meanwhile, the rest of the UK outside the South West, East Midlands and Yorkshire pronounces scone to rhyme with con (like Australians do) rather than cone (like Americans do), although it’s a fairly even split throughout southern England and southern Wales.

“O brother of mine, have you heard?
They’re apparently dropping a word
From the dictionary.” “Really?”
“Yeah, credulous, clearly.
Next, gullible’s getting the bird.”

The lizard that crawls on the steeple
Was formerly known as a “creeple”.
A label the same
Was applied to the lame—
Not creatures, however, but people.

If a reptile refers to “the sheeple”
When he’s speaking of your kind of people,
You can therefore suggest
That you’re less than impressed
By describing the creep as a creeple.

This condiment bottle’s a crewet—
Its purpose is plain to intuit.
Take care with the stopper!
You could come a cropper
Removing... oh, screw it, just do it.

“As a rigger, my fingertips tingle
When threading a line through a cringle.
Those looped strands of rope
Give a sailor fresh hope.”
“It’s amazing to think you’re still single.”

To winkle a strand from a rope
Wouldn’t rankle a crewmember, nope.
But to wangle a crengle? A
Task set by Mengele.
Most would abandon all hope.

While down at the Pirate Club, mingling,
The Cap’n laid eyes on me, singling
Me out: “Arrr, lad, what
Is that grommet you’ve got?”
“’Tis for fastening ropes, sir: for cringling.”

Why I was carrying a small metal ring with me on my night off, I can’t recall, but they do help reinforce a looped strand of rope on the edge of a sail. Such cringles are for threading ropes to rig the sails, and fastening with a cringle is, in nautical terminology, cringling.

Be wary of crimp houses, son.
If you find yourself lodgin’ there, shun
Any offers of rum
From the landlord: those scum
Sell drunk sailors to shipmasters. Run!

To crimp not only means pressing together the edges of pastry on a pie, but also historically meant to impress or shanghai someone into service. A crimp or crimper was someone who did this, usually the keeper of a boarding house where unsuspecting victims would stay.

With his skin getting shrivelled and wrinkly,
Our son looks decidedly crinkly.
No question, this baby
Loves bathwater. “Maybe
I bathtime all day!” he says pinkly.

Says Pharaoh, as tears start to splatter,
“Don’t cry, o sphinx—what is the matter?”
“My head’s from a ram!
As a sphinx, I’m a sham.
They can smile, while I bleat and I batter.”

He’s a criosphinx.

When an argument seems to be stinking,
And you look a bit closer, by linking
Its theories to facts
To deduce what detracts
From its value, that’s critical thinking.

Subjecting a text to critique
Means pointing out which parts are weak—
Overall or one line—
And which parts are fine.
This punchline could do with a tweak.

My grandmother made, for a laugh,
This needlework neckwear, where half
Of the garment is coated
In tunes, quarter-noted:
She crocheted this crotcheted scarf.

Crocheted is stressed on the first syllable outside America.

Cro-Magnons were cave-dwellers who
Looked like me and potentially you,
With a prominent chin,
Rising forehead, and thin,
Gracile figure—that’s me, through and through.

So you feel a bit crook, do ya, mate?
It’s perhaps ’cos of somethin’ you ate.
Either that, or a cold—
Or you’re just gettin’ old.
Take these pills after dinner, an’ wait.

“Christ, me back,” said me dad, “It’s real crook.”
“Feelin’ crook when it’s your turn to cook?”
Said me bro. “How convenient.”
“He’s your dad! Be more lenient.”
“Don’t go crook at me, Mum. He’s the sook.”

In Australia and New Zealand, the meanings of crook include being bad, inferior, unpleasant or unsatisfactory; ill, injured or disabled; and irritable or angry, especially in go crook (at or on), which means getting angry or losing your temper (at or with someone). It can also mean crooked, dishonest or unscrupulous. A sook is a wimp.

“For gorsake, stop laughing!” Your loss
If you follow these words from the boss,
As his Aussie cartoons
Had us laughin’ like loons:
This is serious stuff from Stan Cross.

Stanley George Cross (1888–1977) was born in the US but raised in Australia, where he became a cartoonist with the Sydney tabloid newspaper Smith’s Weekly. As well as creating two much-loved comic strips, The Potts and Wally and the Major, he’s remembered for what is sometimes called Australia’s best-known cartoon: two builders hanging from an iron girder high above a street, one hanging by the trousers of the other (which have fallen down around the other’s ankles), with the caption: “For gorsake, stop laughing: this is serious!” Cross’s name lives on in the annual Stanley awards of the Australian Cartoonists Association.

Got some bread? Then yer rollin’ in money.
(Cockney rhyming slang, see—bread an’ honey.)
But the crust of yer loaf
(Not just one of ’em, boaf)
Means yer ’ead. Cor, they don’t ’arf talk funny.

Is there anywhere cryovolcanic
On Earth? No, there isn’t. Don’t panic:
Titan, Pluto and Ceres
Give a yes to such queries;
Their eruptions of ice are titanic.

As well as Saturn’s largest moon Titan and the dwarf planets Pluto and Ceres, there is indirect evidence of cryovolcanic activity on several icy moons of the Solar System, including Europa, Ganymede, Miranda and Charon. On Enceladus, cryovolcanic geysers of water and other volatiles have been observed. Quaoar in the Kuiper belt also shows signs of possible cryovolcanism, perhaps spurred by the decay of radioactive elements within its core.

Latest · Africa · Americas · Artists · Oz Rock · Oz Politics · Pacific · Mature · Misc · A-Ab · Ac-Ad · Ae-Af · Ag-Ah · Ai-Aj · Ak-Al · Am-An · Ao-Ap · Aq-Ar · As-At · Au-Av · Aw-Az · Ba-Bd · Be-Bh · Bi-Bn · Bo-Bq · Br-Bt · Bu-Bz · Ca-Cd · Ce-Cg · Ch · Ci-Ck · Cl-Co · Cp-Cr · Cs-Cz · Da-Dd · De-Dh · Di-Dn · Do · Dp-Dr · Ds-Dz · Ea-Ed · Ee-El · Em-En · Eo-Es · Et-Ez · Fa-Fd · Fe-Fh · Fi-Fo · Fp-Ft · Fu-Fz · Ga-Gd · Ge-Gh · Gi-Gk · Gl-Go · Gp-Gr · Gs-Gz · Ha-Hd · He-Hh · Hi-Hn · Ho-Ht