Performed at the Tasmanian Finals of Raw Comedy 1998.

Hi. I thought I'd start with a bit of audience participation. Knock knock. (Who's there?) The interrupting sheep. (The interrupti...) B-a-a-a-a-a!

Anyway, speaking of New Zealand... Okay, I know, sheep jokes, New Zealand, virry amusung I don't thunk Muster Ewuns. But it's true, you go to New Zealand, and there's a hell of a lot of sheep, I mean they're just everywhere. On paddocks; on lawns; on the road; tooling past in tour buses. 'M-i-i-i-l-ford S-ou-u-u-u-nd.'

I lived in New Zealand for a while, in Christchurch. Or Chirstchruch, as the typists know it. They actually shorten it to 'Chch', because it's so hard to type. It's as if we all lived in Hob. Ho-brat, Tam-sania, Auts-ralia.

I always felt vaguely blasphemous saying 'Christchurch'. Y'know, like 'Christchurch! Jeeeesus Christ!-church'. I'd have been happier with 'Knoathchurch'. 'Where are you from?' 'Knoathchurch, mate. Knoath.'

But at least it wasn't Auckland. Or 'Dorkland', as they called it in Christchurch. Poor old Auckland, eh—what a schmozzle. The lights aren't on, but everybody's home.

You can just picture it: 'What's on the tilevusuon, Neil?' 'Not much, Raelene: Mercury Inergy says ut'll be sux weeks before the uluctrucuty comes beck on.' 'Sux weeks?' 'Sux weeks.' 'Sux?!?' 'Thet's right. Sux... could even be suvun.' 'But what about their rusponsubuluty to the customers, Neil?' 'Well, sunce they were privutised, they ruckon thet their rusponsubuluty uz to their sheerholders.' 'Jesus Christchurch!' 'Knoathchurch.'

Just think, that could've been Tasmania if they'd privatised the Hydro. (Apart from the silly accents.) Lots of money, and no light to count it by.

I mean, privatising the Hydro—where did that come from? It's like the Liberals just ran out of steam after twenty years of trying: 'We're gonna dam the Franklin, and we're gonna dam the Gordon, and we're gonna dam the Pieman, and the King, and the Huon, and the Tamar, and the Derwent, and the... ah, fuck it, let's sell it.'

I always used to wonder how the Hydro chose which rivers to dam next. I reckon it's the names. They went for the kinky names. Remember 'Gordon above Olga'? That's not a power scheme, it's a Swedish video. 'Hi Gordon, my name is Olga—would you like to get abovv me?'

And as for 'Gordon below Franklin'... we're talking 'Superfly' meets 'Deep Throat'. Gives a whole new twist to that old Wilderness Society jingle: 'Let the Franklin Flow'.

Thank you, and remember—when you're thinking Raw Comedy, think Rory Comedy.


Performed at The Spectacle, Hobart, 15 March 1998.
This page: 6 February 2000; last modified 16 February 2001.

©1998, 2000 Rory Ewins