Johnny: A Cautionary Tale, by Hilaire Belloracle

An answer to this question for the Internet Oracle: 'O Immense Oracle, you are incredibly large, but not at all fat. (How do you manage this feat?) This is so unlike myself, incredibly fat, but otherwise rather small. If I drank soap, would it wash some of my fat away?'

Johnny was incredibly fat.
How do you think he managed that?
Otherwise he was quite small;
A little under five feet tall.
To be all thin, that was his hope,
So he resolved to drink some soap:
He put some water in his sink,
Mixed in some soap, began to drink,
And hoped his fat would wash away.
He sat and waited for a day,
And then a night, and then all week.
The prospects were now looking bleak.
But on and on young Johnny sat,
Waiting for the washed-out fat.
In all this time, he didn't eat;
And then one day he saw his feet.
'I see my feet! I'm thin!' he cried.
Unfortunately, he then died;
Which really was a shocking waste.
If only he had tried toothpaste.


This page: 24 June 2000; last modified 16 February 2001.

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