Darth GullAs everyone knows, one of the best things about blogging is the dialogue it opens up between reader and author, either via comments or, in the case of more sensitive or private subjects, via email. The last entry proved to be no exception, raising an especially significant question for one Australian reader, who emailed yours truly for reassurance. That question being: “HOW FUCKING BIG ARE THE SEAGULLS IN BRITAIN?”

Ahhh yes, the seagulls. Two totally different species, presumably, sharing the same white and grey feathers and webbed feet. The Australian gull is a shifty-looking bird; with his red beak and white irises, he's the Darth Maul of the gull world. His cries are shrill and nasal, and he can open up his throat to twice its normal size to increase his intake of air and/or chips.

The British gull is physically bigger but gentler, with the plaintive, keening cry so admired by the sound crew on Local Hero and Hamish Macbeth. His greater size is obviously a result of the higher fat content of the British chip, and like anyone who's essentially a recycled potato, he's a big Jessie. The UK gull is the brontosaurus to the Australian gull's velociraptor: no threat at all to any Aussies who might be considering “not going to Britain ever ever ever”.

So, how much bigger is he? Well, on the top right you can see a fine example of the Australian gull: sunlit, sleek, beady-eyed. Clearly a menace to anyone who lives within twenty miles of the sea, given that he's bigger than those fucking palm trees.

Below is the UK gull: blunt-beaked, gloomy-looking, placid... and twice the size of a three-storey fucking ferry.

The Gull Monty

17 December 2005 · Whatever

it's funny because it's true!

Added by shauny on 17 December 2005.

I assume you mean "Apatosaurus", not "Brontosaurus". Unless you mean to say that the British gull is "a cockup that doesn't actually exist".

Anyway, I'm not convinced. Apparently some species of European gull are 75cm long. WHAT THE HELL? That is TOO BIG. I'm seeing me turning up one day to visit the Old Dart and getting swamped by enormous TWO-AND-A-HALF-FEET-LONG SEAGULLS, Alfred-Hitchcock's-The-Birds-style.. Thanks, but no thanks.

Added by Paul on 19 December 2005.

No, I meant brontosaurus... the UK gull has the head of a lapwing grafted onto it.

Besides, the comic potential of the word “brontosaurus” only went UP after they were renamed. Dinosaurs with names suitable for humorous writing:


Dinosaurs with names unsuitable for humorous writing:


(Actually, I’m having second thoughts about that last one.)

Added by Rory on 19 December 2005.


A dino who'll blow us and bathe us?
And in bondage gear will enswathe us?
It's what we've been missing
(Mind you: there's no kissing):
That highly-priced procompsognathus.

Added by Paul on 19 December 2005.

Oooh, I really should have read that "no HTML" thing above the comments box, shouldn't I... have?

The "pro" was supposed to be all fancy and italics-like.

Added by Paul on 19 December 2005.