Methuselah boasted, “My dears,
I’ve confirmed all my enemies’ fears:
I’ve neglected to die,
And so celebrate my
Bicentenary—200 years!”

Methuselah cackled with glee
As he got to centenary three,
“My maligners will choke!
I’m no moth-eaten bloke.
There ain’t nobody older than me.”

Methuselah laughed even more
At the close of centenary four.
“I’ve noticed one thing:
Whether peasant or king,
You all fret about death. I jus’ snore!”

Did Methuselah have the same drive
When approaching centenary five?
Absolutely! He’d rave
As he danced on each grave,
“Praise the Lord! You’re all dead. I’m alive.”

Methusaleh kept up his tricks
To the end of centenary six.
“I’m as virile as ever!
I’m sprightly and clever—
Now, where can I find me some chicks?”

Did his words ol’ Methuselah leaven
As he racked up centenary seven?
Not a bit of it, no.
“All those youngsters can go
Straight to Hell, ’cos I’m still not in Heaven.”

So, what was Methuselah’s state
On the cusp of centenary eight?
You guessed it. That’s right:
Every day and all night,
He would shout from his window, “I’m great!”

Old Methuselah’s final decline
Was in sight by centenary nine.
As his friends gathered round,
They were met by the sound:
“All you vultures can beat it. I’m fine!”

Now Methuselah narrows his eyes
In response to a question, and cries,
“No, of course I’m not lonely!
Good heavens, I’m only
Nine hundred and sixty-nine.” [Dies.]

14 September 2005 · Whatever

instant classic :)

Added by shauna on 15 September 2005.

Genius. Move over Ogden Nash/Belloc/Lear. I wish I could do that.

Added by Kirsten on 15 September 2005.

Tell me when you've got that book deal; I look forward to interviewing you and seeing you at a writers' festival some time!

Added by Dom on 15 September 2005.

Hey, that sounds good. It’s ages since I was an interviewee.

I’ve been writing some new limericks for the first time in months, which is what sparked this. See the relevant section for more... the B pages are all new or new-ish.

Added by Rory on 15 September 2005.