Def Jam

The dreaded lurgi has struck, so what better time to fill up the front page with more OEDILF limericks. I should just start a new ghetto for them, er, new section of this vibrant, ever-changing website.

Historical Note: I’ve now copied all of these to another part of the site for easier updating and maintenance; some of these early versions are a bit rough around the edges.

If you’re tired of dressing up formally
Then consider behaving abnormally:
Cover up in a sheet
And wear clogs on your feet
And groan like a ghost, paranormally.

A chaste lad could not acquiesce
When his girlfriend began to undress.
“Please stop it!” he cried,
To which she replied,
“I abhor your abstemiousness.”

A gallery patron’s distractedness
Can tell us about her impactedness:
How the art makes her feel
And whether it’s real
Or whether there’s too much abstractedness.

Abudefduf is not some mistake
That a kid on a keyboard would make
When he randomly hits
Any key with his mitts;
It’s a “damsel fish”—no, it’s not fake.

“It’s more than sufficient, my dear,”
Said my aunt; “And it’s ample, I hear.
Defining abundant
Is never redundant;
I’ve made that abundantly clear.”

A purchaser once was inspired
To purchase until he’d acquired
All he could as a buyer.
He was quite the acquirer,
Acquiring until he expired.

If Adelaide isn’t familiar
Don’t get in a tizzy, now will ya.
It’s only your failure
To know South Australia;
Though learning its city won’t kill ya.

An affluent man of great wealth
Once diverted the sewers by stealth
On the self-centred grounds
(Not as rich as it sounds)
That effluent’s bad for the health.

If ever your temper should snap
You should make no attempt to affrap
(Which is to say, strike)
Anyone you dislike
Or they might affrap back with a strap.

A seductress said to a dictator,
“We can fool around, not now, but later.”
She was hardly to know
When he struck her a blow
And afterwards, sat down and ate her.

Agene used to whiten our flour
But we use less and less by the hour
’Cos this chemical stuff
Is just not up to snuff
Now that genes are the germ of our power.

Some people misuse “aggravate”
When surely they mean “irritate”.
Pay heed, girls and boys:
“Irritation” annoys
While to “aggravate” worsens that state.

So the story is, Oliver Twist
Was ahungered, and couldn’t subsist
And was heard to implore,
“Oh please, sir, some more.”
In seventeen words, that’s the gist.

At the concert, I wasn’t so proud
As to push to the front of the crowd;
But I grovelled and pled
’Til the girl ahead said,
“Oh all right, okay, you’re allowed.”

“I’m up in the air—I’m aloft!”
Cyril said; but his dad only coughed.
“Very funny, my lad,
But you must think I’m mad;
You’re my first-born, not airborne,” he scoffed.

This limerick needs no explanation
And its rhymes have a stable foundation;
But the same won’t be true
If misguidedly you
Subject it to alphabetization.

Which led to wondering what a limerick that could survive alphabetization would look like:

A burning consumer did earn
Five guineas: high income, Laverne.
Most notions of price
Quite rarely suffice
To undermine vehement yearn.

The ammonites swam in the sea
Around four hundred million B.C.
’Til their elegant shells
Sank down under the swells;
Now they’re fossilized prehistory.

Every animal found in the zoo
Ambled onto the ark two-by-two:
Two impalas, who leapt;
Two iguanas who crept;
Two guanacos, two gnats, and two gnu.

Whenever I said “apartheid”
My South African friends almost died.
“In our segregate state
It was called apartheid
Or it was before Nelson,” they cried.

A great ape at the top of his tree
Said, “I’m up at the apex, I see.
I’m so ’appy up ’ere;
I’ve a view without peer
Of that beehive, or apiary.”

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Added by bb on a Friday in September.

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Added by Rory on a Saturday in September.

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