Tuesday, 1 April 2003

Mars, Blog of War

[politics] You didn't seriously think I'd stop blogging for two whole months, did you? When there's a war on? When there's serious Marji butt to be kicked?

I must say, this attack on the treacherous fourth planet is going particularly well, despite what the naysayers are naysaying. Sure, there have been some set-backs. Hans Blix moaned and bitched about stopping the inspections, just because we called them off a month before his team had actually reached the surface. The Federation refused to accept that the enemy has a massive arsenal of Weapons of Mars Destruction primed and aimed at the US. And the four months travel time from Earth is causing some supply-line problems. But look at the successes so far! Look at our fine American boys churning up red dust in pursuit of the evil Martian dictator's hidden bunkers!

Churning the Dust

True, some of our expectations haven't been met. No crowds of happy Martians have undulated out to greet our boys and shower them with gifts of rose petals and red weed. The city of Barsoom is proving difficult to subjugate, even to find. And the friendly fire incident that brought down the Polar Orbiter was regrettable. But just look at the stirring battle imagery!

Boys in Red

And you can't deny the evidence of evil terrorist activity. Just last week there were signs of chemical processes under the planet's surface, as shown in this damning satellite photo:

Melting Brine on Mars

Chemical processes... chemical weapons... wake up, world!

I swear, the way the fifth columnists back here on Earth are going on, you'd think they actually want our planet to have its atmosphere sucked dry and be blasted with intense solar radiation and scorched into a ball of red dust and conquered by four-foot-high eight-tentacled aliens marching around in three-legged robot death machines. Well not me. I refuse to live in fear. As long as this threat is a mere hundred million miles away, it behooves us all to fight it with every ounce of strength in our patriotic earthling bones by writing about it every 36 minutes.


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